My yoga practice has been growing, and I've noticed progress in my postures.
Today held one of those enlightening moments, though.
I practiced with a donation based audio class from www.yogadownload.com by Dawnell (I'm not entirely sure that's the correct spelling) that was incredible. Very tough. Dawnell kept bringing to mind throughout the class, to be aware of the sensations you are feeling. Be aware, but don't think. When we start to think, we start to doubt. If we focus on the breath, and just become aware instead of thinking, we can relax in the stillness.
Hm.
I've always had a tough time with chair pose. The part of my quadriceps right above my knee just burns so bad, I feel like I can't hold Utkatasana (chair pose) for as long as the teacher instructs to sometimes. Well Dawnell decided that Utkatasana and twisted chair poses should be held for quite some time during this class.
Every time before I went into the pose, I told myself in my head, 'you CAN do this. you CAN do it. just do it.', and every time, I came out of the pose with a cry of pain and folded forward catching my breath.
All of the sudden it hit me. It's not pain that I feel. It's a burning sensation, yes, but it's not pain. I hate it, though. Why do I hate it?
Why?
If it's not pain, and it's going to make me stronger and benefit me... what is the reason for my strong dislike towards this sensation?
Upon that thought, when Utkatasana came up in the sequence again, I did as before and told myself, 'you CAN do this. this will make you stronger. there is no pain. you CAN do this.'. Once again, I came out of the pose halfway through the hold in a loud cry gasping for breath, and instantly became upset. The skin between my eyebrows scrunched up and my eyes welled up with tears, wanting to crawl up in a ball and never feel that sensation again.
And honestly, that's the end of my epiphanic moment. I don't have an answer to why I hate that sensation so much. It was interesting how I became emotionally upset all of the sudden. What was the reason for that?
I don't know the answer, or the reason... but maybe I don't need one.
I've been told very often recently, by my boyfriend and by weird occurrences where it just shows up in front of me, that to solve a problem, stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.
Seems simple enough, but for the analytical and hyper-aware person such as myself, I haven't found it to be easy so far.
THIS, is why I love yoga. Here it is, folks.
And possibly, the point of yoga itself.
In the practice of it, you become aware of yourself, inwardly, and outwardly.
The class ended with one of the most beautiful statements that I feel is necessary to be shared.
"Shavasana is known as corpse pose because it's here, in these final few moments, that we die. Not just as an idea, but actually. Understanding that one has collected so much during their lives; not only books, houses, the bank account, but inwardly. The memories of insults, the memories of flattery, the memories of your own particular experiences; neurotic achievements which give you position; to die to all that without arguement, without discussion, without any fear- just to give it up, will create freedom. Die to everything that you know psychologically, so that your mind is clear; not tortured. So that it sees things as they are, both outwardly and inwardly."
Namaste.
